IMAGE: Sweeping, slow-motion view of attractive young people dancing in a nightclub.

BACKGROUND MUSIC: Thumping house track.

SEDUCTIVE FEMALE VOICE-OVER: The music. The cocktails. The sexy women. The hot men. The anything-goes atmosphere. Las Vegas is your place to party. To cut loose. To get wild. To let it all hang out.

IMAGE: Close-up of a young woman and young man dancing. She offers him a white pill. He expresses shock and dismay -- until she holds up a harmless box of breath mints. They both laugh.

SEDUCTIVE FEMALE VOICE-OVER: Las Vegas. Your place to party. To live a little. Play a little. Sin a little. But not too much. In a safe, responsible, drug-free environment.

IMAGE: In a dark corner of the club, a shady-looking character in sunglasses flashes a vial of cocaine at an attractive young woman. She shakes her head, emphatically signaling "No." Two large security guards appear out of nowhere to lift the shady-looking character off his feet and hustle him out of the club.

SEDUCTIVE FEMALE VOICE-OVER: Las Vegas. Where anything goes. Where you can stay up all night. Thrill your senses. Pursue forbidden adventures. But only if you're 21 or older. All in a completely drug-free environment. In full compliance with the Nevada Revised Statutes and the Nevada Gaming Control Board.

IMAGE: Young man at nightclub bar, glumly slurping the last of his vodka tonic, looking bored.

SEDUCTIVE FEMALE VOICE-OVER: Las Vegas nightlife. Naughty. Wild. Uninhibited. Unless by "uninhibited" you mean drugs. Come party with us. Let it all go. Unless the "it" you're "letting go" is a fat rail of Bolivian marching powder. What's Bolivian marching powder? Frankly, I don't know and I don't want to know. Or a massive, head-scouring bong rip in the back seat of an Escalade. Come on. Hit the town. Catch the buzz. Feel the high. A natural, adrenaline high, not a chemically induced one that can have both short- and long-term adverse effects on your health. Those kind of highs are bad. Come sin with us and make your wildest fantasies come true.

IMAGE: A nun dancing with a DEA agent.

SEDUCTIVE FEMALE VOICE-OVER: Vegas. No rules. No inhibitions. Vegas. No prohibitions. Aside from federal drug laws and local statutes. It's Sin City. The way you like it. The way you want it. The way you need it. Vegas. Where your secret desires come to life. But with certain rules in place, such as rigid ordinances making prostitution illegal in Clark County.

IMAGE: Entire dance floor filled with nuns and DEA agents dancing.

SEDUCTIVE FEMALE VOICE-OVER: Vegas. They call us Sin City for a reason. Come get a taste. Take a hit. One try and you'll be hooked. Metaphorically speaking. Come be bad with us. Not "bad" bad, as in the way drugs are bad, but "bad" meaning sort of innocuously irresponsible every once in a while. Vegas. Come play. Come sin. Break all the rules. Certain restrictions apply.

- Dawn gets Chateau Beauvais living room set, Fairmont Bonaparte dining collection; Jim gets giant inflatable Corona bottle

- Jim to get sole custody of Xbox 360 and recently purchased copy of Guitar Hero 3: Warriors of Rock

- Jim to retain ownership of all political memorabilia, including baby seal skull scrimshawed by Grover Norquist

- Jim to retain custody of all Lunchables, Gogurt and Fruit Roll-Ups

- Both parties agree not to talk publicly about that 2008 Christmas party when Jim drank a whole bottle of peppermint schnapps and ate the fake beard off the hired Santa's face.

- Longtime pet companion Zimbles the cat to be divided equally among divorcing parties

- Upon final dissolution of marriage, Jim to be sedated, tagged and relocated to Stillwater Wildlife Refuge in western Nevada, where he will be monitored indefinitely

Welcome to the Fremont Street Experience Free Speech Zone!

This select area has been provided to you as a courtesy of the Fremont Street Experience LLC to allow you to exercise your First Amendment rights. We at the Fremont Street Experience value your expression, and recognize that free speech is a fundamental cornerstone of a free and open society when restricted to certain geographic areas Monday through Friday between the hours of 9 a.m. and 6 p.m. PST.

We hope you enjoy your free speech today in the Fremont Street Experience Free Speech Zone. We ask that you follow these simple guidelines to keep the Fremont Street Experience a safe and pleasant environment for all.

- Religious tracts and signs are acceptable forms of expression in the Free Speech Zone. However, for the comfort of our guests, we respectfully ask that depictions of Hell and eternal damnation be rendered in good taste and in a manner palatable to families with children. ACCEPTABLE: Cartoon devils. UNACCEPTABLE: Images of wailing people in flames being torn limb from limb by winged demons wielding pitchforks and scythes. ALSO UNACCEPTABLE: Skeletons, dragons, skeletons riding dragons, towering walls of merciless fire, ravening swarms of locusts feeding on the flesh of the wicked. ALSO UNACCEPTABLE: Lava.

- If you are a strolling saxophonist who performs Kenny G songs in a torturous cycle of screeching cacophony, use the Free Speech Zone at your own risk. While the Fremont Street Experience can ensure your freedom of expression, we CANNOT guarantee that you will be safe from, say, a rain of rocks angrily thrown by enraged passersby.

- Be advised that the Free Speech Zone's $20 entry fee is payable with cash only. And remember to join us on select Free Speech Celebration Nights, when you are automatically entered for a chance to win an immediate taxi ride home.

- When expressing your free speech in the Free Speech Zone, for your own safety, please refrain from touching the electrified, barbed-wire Free Speech Zone fence.

- Please do not shout, scream or chant slogans in the Free Speech Zone, as this tends to provoke the Free Speech Zone guard dogs.

- Please do not attempt to remove, alter or damage your yellow Free Speech Zone Identification Number arm band.

- Finally, please avoid unnecessarily or excessively "free" free speech in the Free Speech Zone. What constitutes "unnecessarily or excessively 'free' free speech" is the sole and exclusive discretion of Fremont Street Experience LLC.

(Note to our valued Fremont Street Experience guests: Do not confuse the Free Speech Zone with the Pants-Free Zone. That is a featured room at a nearby downtown adult entertainment establishment, and is not related to or endorsed by the Fremont Street Experience.)

Thank you,

The Fremont Street Experience

The Vegas Valley Book Festival, that annual bash dedicated to those interactive multimedia things printed on dead trees -- books, we think they're called -- just announced the two keynote speakers bookending the event that takes place Nov. 3-7 at the Historic Fifth Street School.

Kicking off the festival Nov. 3 is author T.C. Boyle, author of 20 novels, including The Road to Wellville and World's End, and more than 100 short stories. (One of my faves is his short story collection, If The River Was Whiskey, a veritable compendium of writerly technique.) Closing it out is Dennis Lehane, best known for gritty, searching crime thrillers, particularly Mystic River and Shutter Island.

Other things in the works I'm hearing a lot of buzz about: the festival's ever-burgeoning Comic Book Festival and "Feasting on Words - A Celebration of Food and Literature." The early word is that one celebrity chef Rick Moonen has something tasty in store for both food- and book-lovers. Check out the bookfest's website for more info.

If you haven't yet digested our DEALicious Meals edition, by all means, dig in. In what's either a testament to our bad math or the bountiful cheap eats to be had across the Las Vegas Valley, here are a few we just couldn't find room for.

Enoteca San Marco

If Mario Batali's downstairs restaurant is too formal for you, visit his more casual dining room upstairs, Enoteca San Marco. Here, he offers eight pastas and nine pizzas under $25, most under $20. But the real treat at this restaurant is the $25 antipasti tasting menu, which includes five different antipasti, such as homemade salame, cheeses, vegetable dishes, salads and a mixture of fried foods, finished with a dessert of biscotti. (Al Mancini) Inside The Venetian, 3355 Las Vegas Blvd. S., 677-3390

Bouchon

When it comes to weekend brunch, nobody does it like Thomas Keller's French bistro Bouchon in The Venetian. Located poolside, the restaurant offers everything from bread pudding-style French toast with custard and apples, to white sausage with scrambled eggs or chicken and waffles. And of the 15 mouth-watering items on the menu, 13 are priced at $25 or less, with prices starting as low as $12. (AM) Inside The Venetian, 3355 Las Vegas Blvd. S., 414-6200.