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SEPTEMBER 2014
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Take 5
Sep. 3, 7:30p. Professor of History Eugene Moehring will analyze the development of Reno and Las Vegas since 1945, with special emphasis on the...   
Sep. 4, all day. To kick off Hunger Action Month, Three Square Food Bank, in partnership with Feeding America, encourages Southern Nevadans to wear...   
Sep. 4, 7p. A Hollywood actress, Playboy’s Playmate of the Month, showgirl, kidnap target, syndicated newspaper columnist and wife of famed...   
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What's in a name?
by Scott Dickensheets & Andrew Kiraly | posted July 21, 2014
As the possibility of a Vegas-based Major League Soccer team inches closer to reality, it's never too soon to pre-think the vital issue of what to call it. Let's not unthinkingly brand the squad after some cliche feature of Las Vegas or some derivative idea of what the city "means," however accurate those concepts might be. Some names to avoid:
 
Aces
Gamblers
Snake Eyes
The Shuffle
The Craps
The Sheldon
The Dry Heat
The Less Dry Than It Used to Be Heat
The Sunday
The Loosest Slots
The Girls Direct to You
The Tense Standoffs
The Constables
Dotty’s
Bighorn: The Team
Disgraced Educators’ Inappropriate Touching Brigade
The Evil Clown Dentists
The Master-Planned Communities
The Fremont East Irregulars
The Mulroys
Life is Soccerful
The Gentrification
The Downtown Smell

 


Comments



The visitor report: an inside look
by Andrew Kiraly & Scott Dickensheets | posted May 28, 2014
News item: the Las Vegas Convention and Visitors Authority recently released its 2013 Visitor Profile study, which found that tourists who come to Las Vegas are, increasingly, younger and less likely to gamble. Here are some other interesting findings and facts from the report.
  • 5 percent of visitors wake up in a tub of ice, missing a kidney. A completely different 5 percent wake up in a tub of ice with a new kidney.
  • 15 percent wake up in a tub of ice “for business purposes.”

  • Visitors found casino-floor carpets 19 percent less hideous than in 2012.
  • 23 percent of visitors tried Slotzilla, and what happened next will blow your mind. 
  • 65 percent of visitors are serif; 30 percent are sans serif; 5 percent have tiny nubs that could be serifs, but maybe not, and prefer blackjack.
  • When asked why they decided to visit Las Vegas, 3 percent of visitors responded by pulling the shower curtain around them and shouting, How did you get in here, get out, I’m calling security, etc.
  • 38 percent of visitors reported having 71 percent of a “satisfactory visit” at least 19 percent of the time during the first 55 percent of an average 4.3-day stay, more or less.
  • 13 percent of visitors purchased a vacation package. 2 percent of visitors purchased a “vacation package,” i.e., a powdery white substance in a zip-lock baggie from a guy who goes by “Stubbs.”
  • 5 percent of respondents are still waiting in line to get into XS.
  • 2 percent of visitors resorted to dressing up as a Transformer for gas money home.
  • 11 percent of visitors stayed on the Boulder Strip to take advantage of more affordable room rates and to sample a quaintly dystopian atmosphere of desolate post-urban decay.
  • .0001 percent of visitors named Fran Heimler from Minnesota are still lost in a hopeless labyrinth of flashing video slot machines at Palace Station, the 78-year-old’s increasingly weak cries for help drowned out by the ceaseless, implacable, low roar of the casino floor until Fran, finally spent, starts to fade away, her life-force draining from her eye sockets in a glowing wisp, which dissipates into the air like smoke. Coming from nowhere — yet everywhere — a deep, infernal burp of demonic satisfaction resounds throughout the casino. 
  • 100 percent of visitors could have seen the real Eiffel Tower for about the same price.

Comments



Recent news topics that also make good band names
by Andrew Kiraly & Scott Dickensheets | posted April 21, 2014
UPDATED APRIL 21:
 
AirTran
 
Parking Lot Suicide Kings
 
Bundy Clash
 
UPDATED APRIL 15:
 
The Federal Backdown
("Smooth — even placating — jazz for the don't-tread-on-me crowd." — Horton Veal, Jazz Hands magazine)
 
Duck! the Shoe
(Cryptic protest folk from an exciting new one-woman band. "More than just music, it's a diagnosis!" — George Will, Pithfork)
 
Blood Moon Rising
(Credence Clearwater Revisited cover band. "Sounds like a copy of a copy, and that's good enough for us!" — Sherwood Applejack, music booker, Fremont Street Experience
 
UPDATED APRIL 7:
 
Broke Rear Ends
 
UPDATED APRIL 5:
 
The Drones
 
Gloria Lee and the Octogenarian Priest High-Roller Murder Cult
 
Face of Deficit
 
UPDATED APRIL 3:
 
Dark Money
 
UPDATED APRIL 2:
 
Sex with Inmates
 
Arson Puppies
 
Marijuana Suckers
 
Pangolin Traffic
 
Massive Buildup
 
The Donors
 
Dissenting Judge
 
Return to Fukushima
 
The Finalists
 
High-Level Administrators
 
Misuse of Funds
 
The Quintuplets
 
The Million Dollar Tarps
 
Lockdown
 
Simulator
 
Sheldon’s Campaign
 
Trespass Cattle
 
 
 
 

Comments



Recent news topics that also make good band names
by Andrew Kiraly & Scott Dickensheets | posted April 18, 2014
UPDATED APRIL 15:
 
The Federal Backdown
("Smooth — even placating — jazz for the don't-tread-on-me crowd." — Horton Veal, Jazz Hands magazine)
 
Duck! the Shoe
(Cryptic protest folk from an exciting new one-woman band. "More than just music, it's a diagnosis!" — George Will, Pithfork)
 
Blood Moon Rising
(Credence Clearwater Revisited cover band. "Sounds like a copy of a copy, and that's good enough for us!" — Sherwood Applejack, music booker, Fremont Street Experience
 
UPDATED APRIL 7:
 
Broke Rear Ends
 
UPDATED APRIL 5:
 
The Drones
 
Gloria Lee and the Octogenarian Priest High-Roller Murder Cult
 
Face of Deficit
 
UPDATED APRIL 3:
 
Dark Money
 
UPDATED APRIL 2:
 
Sex with Inmates
 
Arson Puppies
 
Marijuana Suckers
 
Pangolin Traffic
 
Massive Buildup
 
The Donors
 
Dissenting Judge
 
Return to Fukushima
 
The Finalists
 
High-Level Administrators
 
Misuse of Funds
 
The Quintuplets
 
The Million Dollar Tarps
 
Lockdown
 
Simulator
 
Sheldon’s Campaign
 
Trespass Cattle
 
 
 
 
 

Comments



Sneak peek: Guy Fieri Vegas Kitchen & Bar menu
by Andrew Kiraly & Scott Dickensheets | posted April 8, 2014
APPETIZERS
 
Habanero Ground Zero
Jalapeño poppers as an appetizer? MORE LIKE WIMPETIZER. Kick off your meal right with these flaming hunks of habanero deep-fried in liquid gunpowder by a bitter, volatile ex-con with Tourette’s.
 
Lord of the Fries
Fuel your own descent into savagery with these dystopilicious potato wedges! Garnished with Wisconsin cheddar and lost innocence, these golden, crispy™ beauties will have you at the throats of your rival tribe in no time! And they go great with our house long pig!
 
Squid Pro Quo!
You'll be a sucker for our finest chipotle-moussed calamari tips, primped in Zima and deep-fried in the tears of a certain Times food critic. Call the doctor now, 'cause this much deliciousness will give you a four-hour erection!
 
Xtreme Buffalo Wing-a-dillas
What makes these gooey slabs of blended chicken-cheese substrate so Xtreme? The side order of involuntary neck tattoo you get while eating them.
 
Trans-Fat Shrapnel Bites
Fired point-blank into your mouth from our Flavor Cannon™. 
 
ENTREES
 
Bacon-Wrapped, Triple-Stuffed Chupachicken
We wrap our whole-breast demon chicken in applewood-smoked bacon sourced from the bad pigs in Animal Farm, triple-stuff it with our trademarked Whatever's Within Reach, marinade it in The Best of ZZ Top and serve it with house arugula and three exclamation points!!!
 
Shepherd's Pie
Choose a fresh shepherd from our live tank! His hair will be spiked and frosted as he's wrapped in a doughy crust and served with a side of our yummy™ house haggis.
 
Trauma: The Burger
This 1,000 percent Kobe beef patty is injected directly into your aortic valve via a Twizzler stent.
 
Eat to Live
In our totally off-the-chain take on the custom pizza bar, we enclose your entire body in an airtight, made-to-order calzone. Can you survive all this suffocating, claustro-tastic flavor and eat your way to freedom?
 
Broccoli Salad
First, we take a fresh head of organic broccoli, laugh at it and drop-kick it into the alley. Then we fill a motorcycle boot with sausage, steak, bacon and French fries, and slather it in cheese, refried beans and whipped butter. The perfect light lunch.
 
Casserolo
Our signature casserole made of Rolos. 
 
BEVERAGES
 
Now Hear This!
This alcohol-free favorite is five minutes of a server shouting “Welcome to Flavortown!” and “Love, peace and taco grease!” in your face. 
 
Cocktail Loaf
Like Jell-O shots? You’ll love this seven-pound slab of day-glow gelatin that holds a gallon of our premium blend of Tequiza and Oreo filling. (Also available in kid’s portions.)
 
Diabetes Supernova
Our popular pitcher of melted Starbursts.
 
Gravy

Comments



"Arson puppies" that have yet to be bid on in the rescue raffle
by Andrew Kiraly & Scott Dickensheets | posted March 25, 2014
  • Pickles, an eyeless, slithering chihuahua with a lamprey’s mouth that devours dreams
  • Molly, relaxed, downward-facing, has strong shoulder muscles and a vague air of superiority.
  • An unnamed sphere of fluffy white fuzz at the center of which purports to be a bichon frisé
  • Ersatz, an “Afghan hound” that looks suspiciously like ... hey, that’s just a hound wrapped in an afghan!
  • Pluto, mixed-breed, hand-drawn, 588 dog-years young! A little one-dimensional, but full of heart. Hates mice.
  • Gorloth the Soultaker, a black mist that assumes the shape of a bloodhound when it arrives to ferry restless spirits to the inscrutable void beyond this mortal plane. Loves to cuddle.
  • Zeus, specially curated yorkischnauzapugapoo — adorable, non-shedding, taxidermied. Purse-ready for the right socialite!
  • The Sunday, a hopelessly confusing mix of breeds that poops once a week and has this weird obsession with coupons
  • Mr. Littles, a delightful miniature-miniature pinscher like you’ve never seen — literally! Rest assured, he’s actually there, though!
  • Margins Tax, unloved mutt abandoned near Carson City. Exceptionally desperate for a welcoming home, anywhere in Nevada. Growls at the words "Jeremy" and "Aguero."
  • Cerberus

Comments



Convention calendar
by Andrew Kiraly & Scott Dickensheets | posted March 6, 2014
 
  • Gordon Ramsey Yells at Stuff 2014!, Silverton Screamatorium
  • "Beyond 'Golden Crispy': The annual gathering of the Association of IHOP Menu Writers," Joël Robuchon banquet room
  • Laminated Name Tag Holder Manufacturers of America Convention, Sands Convention Center
  • Dangling Neck-Strap Thingies Convention, Las Vegas Convention Center
  • PhilatelyMania! 2014, La Quinta Inn Aurora Room, Table 4
  • [hands making series of gestures that suggest the words “International Mime Association Annual Convention”], Treasure Island
  • Is It Trekkies Or Is It Trekkers Summit, Red Rock Casino
  • Word Association, Las Vegas (Sin City!) Convention (gathering!) Center (middle!)
  • Introverts International Leadership Conference, MGM Grand canceled
  • Global Geocaching Expo, 36.1325407 - 115.15532989999997
  • Agoraphobics United!, a large, badly ventilated room jam-packed with total strangers of suspicious intent
  • People Whose Last Name Starts With S Family Reunion, Tuscany Suites & Casino 
  • Konfab.ly: Tech Start-ups With Little Else But a Cute Name Convention, Wynn Las Vegas
  • Professional Ventriloquists Association, Sands Convention Center, but then you realize they’re actually at the Mandalay Bay Convention Center
  • The Future of Journalism in Las Vegas: Best Practices and Solutions, rear booth at Dino's

Comments



Rejected Vegas scenes from the new Godzilla movie
by Andrew Kiraly & Scott Dickensheets | posted March 3, 2014
  • Godzilla starts destroying suburban communities around the Strip, but is eventually driven away by poor education system, lack of family amenities and little sense of community.
  • It's Godzilla vs. Smaug when the Rio buffet is down to its last piece of chicken marsala.
  • Godzilla earns mention in Robin Leach’s column, making people aware that Robin Leach has a column.
  • Begins ferocious and terrifying destruction of Las Vegas; then settles into a lazy, safe routine; offered residency at Planet Hollywood.
  • In 44-minute continuous-shot scene, Godzilla waits for a table to open up at Le Thai.
  • After marveling at its diaphanous, dreamlike beauty and daring lack of a traditional narrative structure, Godzilla eats Mystere.
  • Godzilla tries but fails to destroy Harmon Tower and becomes another defendant in complex construction-defect lawsuit.
  • Godzilla wakes up in bathtub full of ice; kidney missing.
  • Announces launch of another alt-weekly.
  • Eager to learn more about Las Vegas' surprising urban trails and top young athletes, Godzilla settles into a Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf or Jamba Juice to pick up the March issue of Desert Companion.
  • Godzilla is bused to Sacramento with nothing but three days’ worth of meds.
  • In a scene discarded as being too far-fetched, Godzilla has a great time at a hypnosis-comedy show.
  • Godzilla gunned down by Metro after making furtive claw movement.
  • Along with all the other dinosaurs, starts writing a column for the Review-Journal.

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