How to be a Wine Snob
Wine Snobbery is a tradition that goes back hundreds of years in Europe, a couple of decades in America and about five years around here
many of you have probably asked: Gee, this snob thing seems like a lot of fun
How can I get in on the action? Well its easy if you just follow the KNPR easy guide to wine snobbery. Pay attention and you too can negotiate a wine list like a pinot pirate, or be a Sauvignon Swashbuckler as you cross swords with a Sommelier.
Rule number one: Learn three pretentious phrases. Ask questions about Malolactic Fermentation, the Brix at harvest, or aging in French Oak, and youll sound authoritative even if you have no idea what they mean.
Next, learn to pronounce unpronounceable words in three languages and watch those wine hotties hearts melt faster than a wheel of camembert on a hot summers day
tignaello, Dyquem and Trokenbeernauslese may be mouthfulsin more ways than onebut they make you sound like a pro even if youve never been close to a bottle.
Rule number three: say something negative
in a positive way of coursesuch as : I think the 2000 Vintage will be even better
when told by some loudmouthed restaurant critic that 97 was the best Vintage of the decade.
After mastering these, its a golden slope slide into mounton majesty. Our fourth tip is the easiest of all
just start hobnobbing with some fellow snobs. Dont worry; they are very easy to spot. Hint: they wont be working in a restaurant, but will invariably have initials after their names, like J. D., M.D. or D.D.S
See how easy it is? I know youre probably a bit overwhelmed and intimidated by all this high falutin information
sooooo Ive left the best for last
. Yes if all else fails in your quest for true wine snobbery
try number five
(Drum roll and Cymbals)
Get an English accentyuptheres nothin like sounding like a limey to make people think you know what youre talking about. It doesnt even have to be a good one
whatdaya think old Algernon Penning Rosewell and Flo Rogers are doin round here??? Thats right
showing off and fooling everybody.
See its easy to be a wine snob?? (Applause) Now Ive spent twenty years and twenty thousand dollars learning these things, but your folks just got them for free. If you listen every week, youve been given lots of free advice on where to eat and more importantly, where not to. So take some of that money youve saved by not having to actually taste anything
and send a check
and it better be a big one-to KNPR todayjust call 258-0505 right now and pledge some of that money KNPR saved you
if you dont , and I catch any of you-anywhere-expounding on the complexity, balance or finish of some fermented grape juice.. or using phrases like: I find it redolent of allspice, crabapple and petroleum
with a sassy yet impertinent mouthfuls
I shall expose you as an oenophilic prevaricator andpersonally send you a billjoin now and avoid this embarrassment
This is John Curtas.
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