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A day in the life of two law-abiding, upstanding, non-online poker-playing citizens

We read the news today, oh boy / About the DOJ who froze our cards …

“Day,” that is, as in April 15, appropriately tax day; and “cards” as in online poker, which shall be no more.

But we are not people to take things lying down — or to do anything deemed illegal. Oh, no sir! After digesting the news of online poker’s freshly illegalized status, we two former degenerate online poker players solemnly vowed to change our ways — and spend the day doing absolutely nothing deemed illegal.

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6 a.m.: We immediately downed two shots of whiskey mixed with this new super juice we’re pushing at work. It’s made out of physalis peruviana, Golden Incan Berries, specially harvested from the protein-rich guano of Peruvian monkeys. At only $48 a bottle, it will make you feel positively feral! And it comes with a helluva plus side, as you can enjoy all the great health benefits while building your multi-level marketing downline. Go ahead and laugh at the people who call this a Ponzi scheme: We like to consider ourselves versed in the ancient art of “architecturally-based Egyptian sales techniques.” Who needs online poker when you can feel younger and get rich? By the way, our personal numbers are on the back of our business card. Just don’t call it if it’s daytime, because we’re likely out on a bender while our kids are … well, we know exactly where they are: At home, ’cause they want their MTV. And we are happy to indulge. We mean oblige. Being on the straight and narrow feels so right!

9 a.m.: Had this weed problem in our garden, but took care of it in no time with our homemade flamethrower. This little gadget is absolutely legal and we got the plans on There’s nothing like the searing heat from a ball of flame to make those nasty weeds cower! Now there’s plenty of room for the salvia divinorum we’re harvesting. This tasty sister of the sage plant should be just the trick to give our home-brewed absinthe a bit more kick. Besides, if it’s good for Miley Cyrus, well, then, it’s good for America! (The other thing our hydroponic hands are cultivating is mushroom spores. Happy to give you some if you promise you won’t make them grow into mushrooms — because as long as there’s no such intent, it’s 100 percent legal!) Most importantly, we’re still not playing online poker!

Noon: With two nascent businesses ready to thrive, it’s time for some fun — like mounting our minigun to our turret-inspired freestanding shed! Now, if you think minigun means diminutive firepower, think again. The M134 is capable of firing 100 rounds per second. Goodbye, Zombie Apocalypse, hello, Second Amendment! Our neighbors are in a tizzy over this home improvement, but we called it an “art project” and city hall rubber-stamped it in no time.

2 p.m.: Our thoughts turn to God. It is time to give thanks for the tax-exempt status of our Holy Coupling Church For Misogynists and Misanthropes, where both men and women can legally beat the living crap out of their partners. This is a non-discriminatory church, and whether you are straight or GLBT, here is an environment where untrammeled violence can be unleashed upon your significant other in an atmosphere free of government intimidation! Best of all, we haven’t even been remotely tempted to play online poker.

7:30 p.m.: Not sure what happened to the last few hours, but we weren’t driving, so it must have been legal! Anyway, now we’re at a benefit that will enable us to premiere the minigun turret “art project” and sign up members for our church — and our multi-level marketing downline. The way it works is we’re going to tie women up and beat them up in an act of “performance art” for an audience of 3,000 males. But we believe in equal opportunity, so next month, it’ll be the men’s turn and the women will be watching. Everyone, consenting adults all, will be getting feral on our berries while indulging in the sweet succor of legalized torture. You see how it all comes together?

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11:59 p.m.: We’re reviewing the best-looking 18-year-old models we can find. Thanks to the United States Supreme Court, we can legally use our computer to regress their bodies to their prepubescent selves and sell the pics to our highest-paying customers, the sickest pedophiles in the country. We’ll sleep soundly knowing we’ve walked the straight and narrow while eschewing that devil’s brew of online poker!

Phew! To think we were upset when the Department of Justice froze our online poker accounts, when what they really did was prevent us from making an immoral living. They have shown us the light, and driven us to diversify in ways we as a couple never would have thought possible. For example, did you know that bestiality is legal in most states as long as the animal weighs less than 40 pounds? True! Stay tuned for Cha-ching!