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Transcript of Tesla Board Meeting

ELON MUSK: (voice flat, slightly amplified): Report, No. 2.

Sponsor Message

NO. 2 (sweating): The Nevada project goes well, No 1. They are offering —

MUSK: Is this Swiss cheese on my sandwich?

Sponsor Message

NO. 2 (stammering): Why, y-yes, the caterer was out of G-G-Gouda.

MUSK: We do not tolerate failure at Tesla.

 

Sponsor Message

He presses a button. A zapping sound fills the room as No. 2 is electrocuted in his chair. As smoke curls into the chilly conference-room air, silent minions appear in silent electric vehicles; they remove the body and depart.

 

WHITE CAT ON MUSK’S LAP: *Purrrrr*

MUSK (turning to No. 3): So, No. 2, report the latest intelligence about the Nevada Project.

NO. 3: S-sir, I’m pleased to report that Nevada has offered terms that go beyond anything we could have imagined! In exchange for the privilege of hosting our Tesla battery factory —

MUSK: Evil battery factory.

NO. 3: — in exchange for hosting our evil battery factory, Nevada is prepared to let us operate for ten years without paying a cent in taxes.

MUSK: What about our power needs?

NO. 3: Eight million dollars in discounts.

MUSK: Acceptable.

WHITE CAT: Mee — (yawns) — yow.

NO. 3: At a special session of the state Legislature, a broken and defeated Gov. Sandoval publicly pledged his allegiance to Tesla, and now the people of Nevada cower before you in abject submission.

MUSK: Very good. So now we can build the world’s largest building, and secretly beneath it, the world’s largest lair?

NO. 3: Yes. Soon the world will tremble before the might of Musk Global Industries!

MUSK (sounding satisfied): Clearly, the threat of our Space X death ray satellite was persuasive.

NO. 3 (gulping): Actually, sir, we didn’t have to unveil that threat.

MUSK: Nonsense! Really?

WHITE CAT: Rrrow?

NO. 3: No, sir. No real extortion was necessary at all.

MUSK: Incredible. Nevada’s terms of total economic surrender seem like the result of a good death-ray menacing, or quite possibly a classic plague-from-space ploy. Some hint of Armageddon usually is required to get a deal such as this.

NO. 3: Not this time, sir. They seemed quite eager to cooperate. I would suggest that Nevada is so … so desperate for the appearance of economic diversification — desperate for legitimacy, for attention — that the trembling sycophants all-too-gladly welcomed their new Musk Global Industries overlords.

 

Lost in amazed thought, Musk accidentally leans on the death button. No. 16, about to bite into a ham sandwich, is electrocuted in his chair. No. 17 leans over, looks at 16’s sandwich, exclaims, “Ooh, melted Gouda!” and quickly grabs it as minions carry 16 away.

 

MUSK (to himself): Do they know we’ve never turned a profit? (To No. 3) Is there a state that played hardball with us?

NO. 3: Well, sir, Texas didn’t capitulate as much as Nevada …

MUSK: Input death ray coordinates for Austin! Because someone’s getting the death ray, dammit. And find me some Gouda!

WHITE CAT: *Winks at camera*

(Editor's note: Scott Dickensheets no longer works for Nevada Public Radio)
As a longtime journalist in Southern Nevada, native Las Vegan Andrew Kiraly has served as a reporter covering topics as diverse as health, sports, politics, the gaming industry and conservation. He joined Desert Companion in 2010, where he has helped steward the magazine to become a vibrant monthly publication that has won numerous honors for its journalism, photography and design, including several Maggie Awards.